Catman: The Awesomeness That Is Wayne
by Beloved Psychopath
Summary: Before there was Batman, there was Bruce Wayne... The grand adventures of Bruce (and Alfred ) on his path of legitimate heroism. "What do you think Alfred?" "That that's a far cry from the truth sir," Alfred replied,"And the use of 'legitimate' is downright suspicious."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This disclaimer is really bored of disclaiming. So it's going to slack off in the corner over there. I don't own Batman characters or the shadow organisation known as D.C.

May 24th xoxx

Bruce Wayne sat on his chair deep in thought. It was night now, and he waiting for a sign. Any sign, that will give him an idea as to how he can get away with breaking several severe human rights outside work using acts of violence. He already had a "reason" : fighting crime.

"How about a secret identity, sir?" Alfred suggested, placing down the pure silver tray carrying a $475 bottle of Dom Perignon, a stenciled swan patterned wine glass worth $6000 and a plate of sushi with wooden chopsticks on the coffee table by his high backed, soft leather chair. He then opened the bottle and poured the overpriced liquid into the Wayne family heirloom wine glass, filing it halfway before walking out of the room the same way he came in.

God I hate sushi, Bruce thought, bringing out a small bottle of barbecue sauce from his pocket, emptying the contents on his sushi before bringing out his trusty fork to eat them. Barbecue sauce, God's best gift to man. The holy liquid that showed cannibals how to make their mystery meat well loved by everyone else. Barbecue... Barbecue man! Barbecue dude? . Barbecued stake! Wayne Barbecue. Bar... The Kebab! Yes, that's it! The Kebab!

Bruce leaped to his feet.

"Alfred call the tailor! I need a kebab suit!"

"I'll have your psychologist on the phone, sir."

Author's notes: They lied to you! Sushi are made from human souls! Spread the word. Santa Claus.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't panic. You're not being stalked, only followed. Batman is not a creation of mine.

May 26th xoxx

It was night again and Bruce was once again deep in thought, staring at the wall from his pillow covered black velvet canopy bed. Cape? He thought. Cape? Cloak? Glove? Metal suit? Metal suit. Metal suit!

"Alfred!" he called.

"No sir, not this late and certainly not this time," Alfred said, as he opened the bedroom door, dressed in black star wars pajamas and holding a bucket of popcorn, "I don't want to be late for movie night," before closing the door the door behind him with a click.

He locked me in! Bruce thought, why is the lock on the other side? I'll have to have that corrected tomorrow... If Alfred's going out, why is he bare footed and in his pjs. Strange. Mr Strange. Bruce Strange. The Stranger. Midnight Stranger. The Midnight Stranger. Lord Queer, I've got it! The Midnight Stranger!


	3. Chapter 3

Happy birthday! Sadly, this isn't your birthday present but the next one is~

Disclaimer: Insert the obvious. (I do not own Batman and any of its characters –officially ;)

Catman

June 16th xoxx

"Okay Alfred, look ahead."

Alfred stared and stared and stared.

"Well..." Bruce said, "What do you think?"

"I think watching squirrels mate isn't the best of hobbies, sir. Even if that's how you get your rocks off," Alfred said, now reading the Gotham Times.

"No, the charts! The first one," he said pointing, "Shows the daily increase in crimes within the city..."

"If that chart is accurate, then in two weeks we'll be buglared by the police, and Action man will be our savior."

"My point exactly! The second chart shows the Gotham police's success rate in solving crimes against the overall crime rate."

"Your chart says the police is virtually non-existent."

"They are. If they weren't, lots of politicians and rich businessmen will be in jail, including me," Bruce said staring Alfred in the eye. He continued, "The last chart shows the success rate of criminals evading costume wearing badasses/nerdy heroes comic con wannabe desprados."

"It's low, sir. Very low."

"Indeed. There've only been three important costumed heroes ever resident in Gotham: Captain Gotham, Fagman and some other guy," he shrugged.

"This proves that as long as I'm costumed I can attack people and break stuff."

Bruce continued, "Now, I'm going as 'The Midnight Stranger', so I need a cloak, a cape, gloves, lots and lots of rubber, bulletproof, body armor, a jet pack and a utility belt that has a force field projecting device that can deflect lasers and protect me from ricotte that my bulletproof and body armor can't stop. Did you get that down?"

"Why not a balaclava, sir, like everyone else?"

Author's note: BEWARE THE FROG!


End file.
